Trans Children Myth Busting
Following recent negative news coverage, we thought it would be good to return to this interview with the LGBT children’s story publisher, Truth and Tails, in which we share our experience of raising a child who happens to be trans. We address many of the myths about Trans children, including advice for other parents, and the reasons for starting this blog.
For the first time we’ve published it here:
We were interviewed by the lovely Truth & Tails, in March 2017, after they had read our blog and sent us a copy of their book ‘Vincent the Vixen’ which explores trans issues from the perspective of a gender questioning fox.
You can read the original interview in full here: Truth & Tails Interview
Truth & Tails: We first discovered the Growing Up Transgender blog back in October, when we read their post 10 reasons why the #dontjudgegender verdict makes families of transgender children concerned in response to a high court judge ruling on gender identity, which resulted in a seven-year-old being removed from their mother. The blog is written anonymously, to protect the family’s identity, by parents of a young transgender child living in the UK.
We spoke to the authors, about their reasons for starting the blog, what support is out there for parents of transgender children, and what the most common misconceptions are that they face day-to-day.
Tell us about the catalyst for starting the ‘Growing Up Transgender’ blog.
A few different things prompted us to start a blog. Firstly, we remembered how alone and confused we felt when we first realised our daughter might be transgender. We appreciated so much the few parents (mostly in America) who had shared their experiences online.
Secondly, we were frustrated by the huge amount of misinformation and distorted claims that are presented as fact on the internet. It took us a long time to be able to distinguish fact from fiction, and to distinguish helpful evidence based information from transphobic bigotry. Having thoroughly researched and understood the different issues, we wanted to share our understanding with others.
And thirdly, we noted a dramatic upsurge in anti-transgender children hysteria in the UK media. Fear-mongering media rhetoric has a direct impact on how adults, and in turn, their children treat our child. We felt compelled to speak out, yet also wanted to maintain our child’s privacy. A blog seemed like the best way to ensure our voices, and our experience of a wonderful trans daughter, could be shared. We hope our blog will in some way help other families dealing with this issue.
When did you realise your daughter was transgender, and how did you know? Is there a specific conversation that you remember?
Our daughter said she was a girl from a very young age. Daily. There was no one specific conversation that opened our eyes, it was more a very persistent stream of assertion over a long period of time. At first we didn’t take it seriously. We tried to dissuade. We tried to tell her she could be whatever type of boy she wanted to be. This was totally missing the point, and made her even sadder. Eventually it got to a point where we realised that we had a very depressed child, who felt rejected by her parents. We realised that we were letting her down.
What would you say to a parent who is beginning to have these sorts of conversations with their child?
Some parents worry about their boy playing with dolls, or preferring being friends with girls, or their girl rejecting dresses and wanting short hair. These behaviours that are related to how a child plays or dresses or expresses themselves are not focused on identity and there is no reason to think such children are likely to be transgender. My view would be not to narrow your child’s horizons, to allow toys to be toys and children to play however they like.
A much smaller number of parents will have the experience we have had, and other parents describe extremely similar experiences. A child who insists that they are a different gender to what you are expecting. A child who doesn’t perhaps care what toys or clothes they have as long as they are acknowledged as the gender they identify with. A child who repeats their identity consistently, persistently, insistently and gets increasingly sad and withdrawn, perhaps accompanied with concern about their body. For parents of those children, I would advise the following:
First, consider how scary and isolating it must be for a child to be repeatedly told that something they feel so deeply is unacceptable to those who love them mostly dearly. Listen to your child. Let them know that you love and accept them whatever. Let them know that you stand by them. Let them know that there are other children in the world who feel the way that they do. Let them know that some children feel like this when young, then grow up and don’t feel like this so strongly. Let them know that other children feel like this when young, then grow up and continue to feel like this and live like the gender they identify with. Let them know that both groups can grow up to have happy and well-adjusted lives. Let them know that either is ok with you. Let them know that they are not alone.
Secondly, find out more about the subject. Read as much as you can. But bear in mind that there is a vast quantity of material on the internet that is immensely transphobic; that is misleading, and even outright lies, and that may make you feel desperately scared for the future. I’d suggest reading some blogs by parents who are supporting their child in their gender identity, to understand that the worst-case scenario that you are fearing for your child really isn’t as bleak as you may be fearing. Our child has gone from a deeply sad to one of the happiest children you could meet since we told her we accepted her as a girl.
Thirdly, get some support for yourself as a parent.
What support is out there in the UK for parents of transgender children, and where have you personally found most support?
For us, the best source of support by a mile is other parents of transgender children. Find a way to reach out to other parents, for us it was through the charity Mermaids. Channels such as Mermaids provide a secure forum for parents to speak directly to each other, to provide a non-judgemental ear, to share experience, to be a shoulder to cry on. Many parents describe coming to terms with a child being transgender as a form of grief. Parents are often completely ignorant of the issue, and often have bleak views on the prospects for their child having a positive future.
In time, in person or virtually, parents come across remarkable trans young people and adults, and learn that with acceptance and support the outcome for trans children today is bright and hopeful. But that doesn’t immediately negate the very strong emotions that parents go through, particularly when they are doubting how to proceed, and particularly when they are facing judgement, criticism and hate from a wider society – including their own friends and family – who may not be willing to understand. Finding a support network, particularly if your own friends and family are not supporting you, is extremely important.
For transgender children approaching puberty, being registered in the UK Gender Identity Service for children at the Tavistock can be critical in case medical intervention (hormone blockers) is required. Waiting lists are extremely long: nine months from GP referral to first appointment and procedures once in the system are prolonged. Don’t wait until things are at a point of desperation to get a referral into the medical system. Better to get a referral a couple of years before puberty and pull out if you don’t later need it than delay referral and enter the waiting list at puberty when a two-year wait might become a major problem. Some GPs are supportive, many GPs are ignorant and unhelpful. Request a referral to Tavistock if you feel your child is transgender, and don’t let an ignorant GP tell you no.
What is the most common misconception about transgender children that you encounter, and what is your response?
There are so many misconceptions about transgender children that we wrote a whole blog on this topic! You can read it here.
The most common ones are:
Myth: Transgender children do not exist.
Reality: Yes, they do.
Myth: This is a modern, Western fad.
Reality: Transgender people have existed in societies throughout the centuries across the world, and there are millions of transgender people across Asia.
Myth: Parents are choosing this for their children to be trendy.
Reality: As a parent who has cried and cried buckets coming to terms with having a transgender child, I can assure you I would never have chosen this – although now I’m finally less ignorant I don’t in any way see it as the terrible path I once feared.
Myth: Kids who are just non-conforming (e.g. a boy who like dolls) are being pushed into being transgender
Reality: My child didn’t care what toys she played with as long as she was acknowledged as a girl. No one is pushing our children. This is just who they are.
Myth: Children are too young to make a life changing decision.
Reality: My child has not made a decision. They have not decided to change gender. They have always known they were a girl, it just took the rest of us a long time to catch up.
Myth: Transgender children can be turned into non-transgender children if you do X, Y, Z
Reality: There is no evidence for that, and a great deal of evidence that reparative therapy causes a great deal of damage.
Myth: Transgender children are likely to grow out of it.
Reality: Perhaps, but there is no clear evidence for this, and statistics quoted on this subject are extremely dodgy – read with care.
Myth: Transgender children/people will have sad and suicidal lives.
Reality: Emotional challenges experienced by transgender people are due to the hate and prejudice they face, not an inherent part of being transgender. Transgender children who are supported and accepted by their families are shown to have the same levels of mental health and well-being as other children.
What advice would you give to parents – not just parents with transgender children, but parents everywhere – around educating their children about gender and acceptance?
The world is a complex and diverse place. The more parents that share this diversity with their children, the more that let children know that it is ok to be different, the better for us all. Teaching love and acceptance will directly benefit your child too – at some point in everyone’s life they feel that they are different or an outsider – and having taught your child that difference is ok will stand your child in good stead whenever they find themselves on the outside.
Which children’s’ books about gender would recommend?
There is definitely a lack of books for younger children about gender. We’ve found many more interesting reads that have the central message that diversity is not only ok, but should be celebrated. We’re still finding our way a bit on books specifically about transgender children and haven’t found many our child identifies with, at least not in their entirety – however well-intentioned, books about boys who like dresses can sometimes perpetuate stereotypes of gender divide.
For young children, we like:
Red, A Crayon’s Story – Michael Hall
Red Rockets and Rainbow Jelly – Nick Sharratt
Vincent the Vixen – Truth and Tails (our daughter has loved this book)
For older children:
Lily and Dunkin – Donna Gephart
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About Truth & Tails:
Truth & Tails are a publisher who aim to write stories for young children in a straightforward, sensitive, and easy way. They seek to explain difficult concepts like feminism, racism, gender, and sexuality to children, and believe in the strength of stories to help children grow up with a sense of understanding, empathy, and acceptance of those who are different to them.